Making It Up As I Go
Updated: Aug 26, 2019
If you've been under the impression that I have my life together then I've got news for you.
A couple of weeks ago I crawled out of bed after Leigh Anna had already fallen asleep and made my way to the kitchen for a late-night snack. It was dark, the house was quiet, and I sat at the table with a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich in my hand and cried.
The first half of this year was tough for me; I completely scratched all of the plans I‘ve been drafting for years and made a few changes that came with their fair share of uncertainties. As someone who is constantly daydreaming and setting expectations for how I think my life should look, relinquishing control and throwing everything to the wind incited a mild panic.
To fill you in, back in April I abruptly quit what I intended to be my career job. It was April 1st to be exact - which, for the record, is a terrible day to quit your job because everyone thinks it's a joke.
It caught a lot of people by surprise and I'm still not sure that most people truly understand my reasoning, - but that's okay! It was a personal decision I made based on anxiety I was having and shifts in what I wanted for myself long term. The things I was passionate about in my early to mid-twenties were no longer things I felt as committed to.
For the time being, I picked up a part-time job in retail until I could figure out what the heck I was doing with my life. Although I enjoyed my time at Madewell more than I expected, I also felt a sense of inadequacy for not having a "grown-up job," being as broke as ever, and feeling like I wasn't contributing to my long-term goals. While the change of pace was good for me, I spent a lot of moments in this season questioning whether I was capable of being successful.
I even got a rejection call from a job that I had been in communications with for months during this time. It wasn't necessarily a job that felt right for me, but it seemed like the most responsible thing to do. I wasn't disappointed, but it did leave me scrambling for alternative options.
As it turns out, working part-time gave me the flexibility to start school early and gave me the extra hours throughout the week to squeeze in a summer semester. Just as I was wrapping up with finals, a job that better suited me and my career goals seemingly fell into my lap.
During my recent trip to Florida, I even somehow found myself in the garage of my mom's neighbor receiving a tarot reading. Coincidentally, the cards were exactly what I needed to hear. I spent a large portion of the earlier months lying in bed wracking my brain trying to map out my next series of moves in order to live up to my own expectations.
Throughout my reading with Mrs. Karen, I was advised to worry less and learn to live in the present. She also said that whatever new endeavor I was getting into would serve me well, career-wise and financially. Our reading ended on the note that I would have a comfortable life, so I’m safe to release my fears of failure and live a little more freely. While I’m not 100% sold on the concept of tarot, it did feel like a gentle message from the universe that I could stop being a crazy person and just enjoy living – because it’s going to be FINE.
Although the earlier months were overwhelmingly full of uncertainty and self-loathing, I started to feel the upswing as I crossed the midway point of 2019. I welcomed August with a short vacation, a new job, and a sense of confidence that all of the changes I made were for a purpose bigger than what I had initially planned. I realized that being told "no" isn't always a bad thing and I made a mental note to not be so hard on myself during these "in-between" seasons of life because, in the end, things always work out exactly like they're supposed to.
I don't know what's coming next, but I'm learning that sometimes it's okay to play it by ear.
In the meantime, I'll be here just making it up as I go.
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